Fear of Submission
(and each other)
Submission and the dirty-word syndrome…
“Submission is one of the qualities
that makes an organization
truly effective.”
This is a statement from a seminar that I conduct with companies and organizations called Creating High-Capacity Culture. It’s almost guaranteed to get a response.
“Submission” has a dirty-word feel to it. It is provocative. It brings so many negative images to mind, like slavery, gender abuse or forced physical domination. But I think the biggest reason is that we tie so many of our own negative experiences to it. And that makes us uncomfortable.
I’ve thought about using a different word, but I’ve yet to find an adequate substitute. Yield, comply or defer don’t go far enough. Surrender and capitulate go too far. I’ll keep looking for a word that has similar depth, and I’m always open to suggestions. But until then, I’ll stick with submission and take the inoculation approach of beating the dirty-word syndrome: Let’s introduce it into our discussion so it’s not scary any more.
Cleaning Up the Word
Submission (in its purest form) is reflexive, meaning it’s an act that we perform on ourselves. We intentionally choose to yield to someone or something, when not yielding was just as viable an option.
We submit hundreds of times a day, without giving it a second thought. We submit to gravity, traffic laws and sleep. We submit to hunger and to thirst. We submit to being full and push ourselves back from the table (although perhaps not quickly enough!). Every time we dress for work, or pay a bill, or go the theater or to the doctor, or blink our eyes we are submitting. Virtually every conversation we have involves some level of submission.
The bottom line: Submission does not have to be the onerous, heavy, domineering word that we have let it become.
Submission & Influence
We are afraid of submission because it limits our ability to control. While this is understandable, it is misguided and short-sided.
It is also extremely isolating.
If I try to fly on my own, without submitting to the natural laws of physics and aeronautics, the results will be catastrophic. But if I submit and strap myself into an airplane, then I will get where I want to go and experience the exhilaration of flying 30,000 feet and close to the speed of sound.
My point? Submission doesn’t always mean a loss of control. It is a way to place myself in a position of achievement and influence. Don’t think of submission only as an act born out of weakness. Look at submission as an act born out of strength.
If I want to influence someone else, I can pull rank or overpower them. I can outwit, outmaneuver or outplay them. I can embarrass, blackmail, trick, manipulate or any of a host of options.
But if I take these approaches, I haven’t won them over, I’ve created an antagonist. I force them into a position that they despise. At their first opportunity they will rebel — or more than likely they will simply leave. Unless I submit to others, they will never submit to me.
Relationship without submission is manipulation. It will only bring about spite, revenge, cynicism and anger. Do you want these qualities in the key relationships of your life?
If not, then you should consider making intentional submission a regular part of your interaction with people. Because the most effective way to influence someone is to submit to them, in the context of a relationship.
Companies with excellent customer service get more sales because they genuinely submit to their customers. This submission motivates them to solve the problems and issues their customers face. In doing so, they foster loyalty and win customers for life — and those customers bring more customers.
Submission is influence.
Reverent Authority
We tend to see submission as something that is directed toward those in authority, from those who aren’t in authority. Actually, submission works both ways in our authority structures. Parents should submit to children just as children should submit to their parents. Likewise, employers should submit to their employees, leaders to followers, etc.
This goes against our natural intuition, but it is the great mystery of submission: The higher up the food chain you go, the greater the need for submission. This mystery — properly understood — reshapes the way we carry ourselves as a leaders, and the way we carry out our leadership roles.
Leadership authority and power are given, not taken. They are received in trust, not seized in elitist exploitation. Those submissive leaders who understand this mystery will lead more effectively and wield greater influence. They will also be more responsive to God.
The Roman Centurion (i.e. a leader of 100) believed Jesus could heal his servant because he recognized Jesus’ submission, not his power: “for I myself am a man under authority, with soldiers under me” (Matthew 8.9, italics mine). A pagan combat soldier recognized Jesus as God, when the elitist clergy looked right past him. They didn’t recognize Jesus, because (in part) they were blinded by their unwillingness to submit.
But what does submissive authority look like? For instance, does parental submission mean letting the kids run the house? Of course not. But it does mean that the parents submit to what their children need most. Sometimes that means discipline (meaning orderly, consistent, wise living; which is different from yelling, punishing and degrading). Sometimes it means sacrifice. Sometimes it means giving them what only a parent can: love, support and encouragement.
Ephesians 5.21 says that when we submit to each other, we do so “out of reverence to Christ.” Our submission may be directed to each other, but ultimately it is submission to Jesus.
Submitting to each other speaks to what we believe about God. Submission is an act of faith, because it is a recognition that there’s something bigger going on. It recognizes an ultimate accountability, that we aren’t living for ourselves — we are agents, stewards of what God has given us to manage. In the roles we play, we are people under authority.
questions.4.conversation
- What’s the first thing that comes to your mind when you hear the word “submission?”
- What is that association based on? Where does it come from?
- Can you think of a better word to use than submission? If so, why do you think it’s a better choice?
- Can you identify other ways that you submit in your everyday activities?
- How would our society (e.g. our families, politics, economy, schools, marketplace, etc.) be different if we placed a higher value on submission?
- Do you agree with the statement, “We are afraid of submission because it limits our ability to control?” Why or why not?
- Can you think of ways you can influence someone through submitting to them? In your mind, are there potential hazards associated with that submission?
- What would a higher level of submission look like for you, in the key relationships in your life?
