Fear of Submission
The third great fear.
Why Are We Afraid?
Submission. What comes to your mind when you think of that word? I find that most of us view it negatively. Things like slavery, oppression or domination typically come to mind. Perhaps it’s the result of living in a culture so focused on liberty, where freedom is everything. Whatever the reason, we seem have an aversion to the concept of submission.
While this aversion is understandable, it’s also misleading. We submit every day of our lives, usually without any sense that we’re being oppressed. We submit to the effects of gravity, without giving it a second thought. We submit to the operation of our bodily functions, like breathing, eating or blinking. We submit everyday to sleep, a condition in which we surrender virtually all self-control. In fact, most of us would wish for more of that kind of submission!
We voluntarily submit to conventions in our lives, those generally agreed upon activities that make life more “normal.” Think about traffic patterns, things we do in commerce or government, or even in a simply conversation. We submit to social trends when we buy the latest fashion in clothes or shoes.
The point is not that we always submit to all of these things, or that we all agree on the things to which we submit. But, the fact remains that we regularly practice submission.
We participate in acts like these without fear, mainly because we don’t view them as submission. Granted, some things are easier to submit to than others. Still, submission is as submission does. Submission literally means “to yield, surrender, abide by, accept or defer.” Even its secondary meaning (to offer or to present, as in submitting a proposal) includes a sense of surrender or deferral to a process.
You could argue that submission is more normal than non-submission. Submission provides order, patterns and predictability in our interaction with each other. A society without submission would be anarchistic. And a life without submission would be neurotic.
So if it is such a normal experience, why do we have such an aversion to the concept of “submission?”
What We Fear in Submission
In the context of spiritual formation, there are two instances of submission that make us uncomfortable: personal submission to someone else, and submission to God. With this in mind, I see several elements associated with submission that we phobically react against:
Loss of Control
Wormtongue is crafty. He’s convincing in his lie that we should be in control. So we heed his counsel, and become driven to control; we do whatever is necessary to remain in charge. We fear any situation that proposes otherwise.
I find this fear to be curious, in that there are truly very few things in life that we can control. Manage, yes. Influence, of course. But control?
When you think about it, most of what we can control is within us: our thoughts, emotions and motives, for instance. Ironically, self-control is an area of life in which most of us — even “control freaks” — consistently struggle. If we could shift our control efforts toward mastering our inner selves, we would be in a better position to manage and influence the outer situations in our lives.
Change
A close cousin to loss of control is our bias against change. We find security in status quo, especially when we can have some degree of governance over it.
Change puts us in an apparent position of weakness, playing into our fear of vulnerability. Change makes us the learner, not the instructor. It makes us “dependent” on others. It makes us uncomfortable, because we can’t predict or predetermine (control?) certain outcomes.
There is much to say here, but let me boil it down to one main point: Life is change. It’s irrational to think that we can live life apart from change. We can’t grow without it. In particular, spiritual life is change. That’s why it’s called spiritual transformation!
To be at all fulfilled in life means that we must accommodate and welcome change. If we have a bias against change, we will resist God, and will find ourselves rooted in dysfunction and sameness. But if we have a bias for change, we will be sensitive to God and welcome his work of making us into the image of Christ.
Note: be careful with this one, though. Some personalities love change, because it keeps everyone else guessing. They can hide behind the smokescreen of change-chaos. Here’s a tip: how do you feel about change in which you can’t/don’t control?
Change is not a tide to hold back; change is a wave to ride.
Ride the wave.
Disadvantage
When we hear “submission” we automatically associate with it the concept of being at a disadvantage. We perceive submission with an aura of restriction, of indentured restraint. We see submission as suppression, limiting the possibilities for our personal advancement.
The picture of a manipulative or abusive relationship easily comes to mind when you hear the term “submission,” but that’s not the issue here. I am talking about a natural, virtually universal aversion to submission. It’s one that screams, “DISADVANTAGE!” in our ears so loudly that we hesitate to position ourselves interdependently with others.
I’ll unpack this further in a future posting, but let me summarize it this way: What is relationship with another person(s) if not submission? Are we inclined to think that we can relate to others in such a way that we will always have the advantage?
If so, then we’re in relationship for our own benefit, and our individuality is our god. This has a profound impact on the way we relate to others and how we conduct ourselves in business and family roles, especially where we take on a leadership role — for even leadership is a role of submission.
In seeking to maintain the advantage in our relationships, we also make ourselves into something we’re not. God benevolently created us first for submission to him, and secondly for mutual submission to each other. When we rebel against submission, we’re living a lie, just as Wormtongue would have it.
It’s no wonder that loneliness pains us so.
questions.4.consideration
- Can you think of other things (besides gravity, sleep, etc.) to which you regularly submit?
- At the risk of sounding simplistic, it would seem that submission is largely a matter of perception: Do you believe that submitting to someone else puts you at a disadvantage? Explain.
- “A society without submission would be anarchistic. And a life without submission would be neurotic.” Do you agree with this statement? Why/why not?
- How would you distinguish “control” from “management” or “influence?”
- Would your closest friend say that you have a bias for or against change? If it’s a bias for change, would they say that change allows you to create a smokescreen? Try asking them to confirm your answer.
- What have you done recently (or what could you begin doing) to create a healthy bias for change in your life?
- Do you agree with the idea that relationship is submission? What about leadership and submission? Explain why or why not.
- Can you see a connection between loneliness and our fear of submission?
Coming next: The biggest casualty of our fear of submission.
