Fear of Vulnerability
(conclusion)
All the great lies are really half-truths.
That’s what makes them so believable. They begin with a kernel of truth, a plausible nugget that serves as bait. Once we take the bait, the hook gets set and the lie reels us on in.
We saw it earlier with the fear of irrelevance. We aren’t perfect — that’s the nugget of truth, the bait. But our imperfection doesn’t equate to irrelevance. We are, in fact, the most valuable prize in all of God’s creation. He gave his very self so that our perfection might be restored.
We see it again with vulnerability: The nugget/bait of truth is that other people can hurt us. We live in a world in which sin runs rampant. Evil does exist, and there are situations and characters that will harm us if they get the opportunity. Even friendships sometimes, unfortunately, turn on us.
Taking the bait with vulnerability usually means withdrawing from relationship. We turn cautious, we withhold, protect and hide. We do whatever we can to make ourselves inaccessible.
But, when you think about it, we’ve always been naked. We were created in a state of nakedness — transparency: “Now the man and his wife were both naked, but they felt no shame” (Genesis 2.25). The physical nakedness was an outward reflection of the inner, emotional nakedness. Before evil came into the world, nakedness was a non-factor. It was the presence of evil that created the fear of vulnerability.
So the conclusion that withdrawing from relationship will help to overcome our vulnerability is erroneous. Though this seems logical, it is not. Withdrawing and protecting will only highlight our vulnerability, isolating us further.
No, there’s a better way.
The greatest of these
As of this writing, the latest Congressional Medal of Honor was recently awarded to Navy Lt. Michael P. Murphy. Lieutenant Murphy exposed himself to enemy fire and certain death in Afghanistan in order to radio for a rescue for his SEAL team. Stories like this bring up many different emotions. We call it many things (depending on our view of war): bravery, unnecessary, exemplary, unfortunate, …
But over and above them all, we must call it love. Love supersedes all other descriptions and makes them ultimately inadequate. Love has that kind of ability, that undeniable quality.
I’ve heard some veterans of combat speak of a kind of love that I’m convinced most of us will never know. They speak of a mutual knowledge of each other, a connectedness that intertwines their identities, and a oneness that goes way beyond the mere mechanics of tactical combat. This is more than just shared battlefield experience; this is love.
In the presence of this kind of love, there is one thing that is conspicuous in its absence: fear of vulnerability. In fact, the opposite is seen. In a setting in which soldiers are in harm’s way, encountering the real possibility of personal mortality, they frequently claim that they would willingly die for each other. Not that they would prefer death, but their love for each other would compel them such a sacrifice.
Fear of dying? Yes, of course. Fear of vulnerability? I don’t think so.
First Things First
Vulnerability is a fear of relationship. Transparency (the alternative) is really about connection. Connection is all about love.
In order to give of ourselves, we must resist the bait that is the fear of vulnerability. We must trust in an outcome that we can’t see, one that might eventually cause us pain. We must believe in something bigger than our own protection.
Love is (in part) an act of faith. Love doesn’t receive anything until it first gives away. Granted, genuine love doesn’t seek any ROI to begin with. But my point is that we don’t know the outcome of our actions ahead of time. We trust that it will be received as we intend it, and that it will make a difference in someone’s life.
This faith, this trust, is why our spirituality is so vitally important to overcoming this fear. It is our relationship — our connection — with God that gives us the courage to resist vulnerability’s bait. It gives us the foundation to stand firm, and to see a bigger picture than our own self-interests. And, most importantly, it gives us an example of love to follow. The more we understand God’s love for us, the better equipped we are to love others.
Ultimately, when speaking of overcoming the fear of vulnerability — as with the fear of irrelevance — we arrive at an inescapable question, one that has direct bearing on overcoming these fears: How are we related to God?
This question immediately gives evidence of our third great fear, a fear that, perhaps even more than irrelevance and vulnerability, hides in the deepest corners of our psyche. It is a fear that masks itself, charading and deflecting attention to something else so it won’t be found out.
It is the fear of submission.
questions.4.consideration
- If you think about it, there are lots of half-truths that we are baited by in life (ever bought a used car before, or been promised a “can’t miss” opportunity?). When you think back on all these experiences, what have you learned or observed about the process of being baited?
- When you think about it, whether you A) take the bait and withdraw/hide in apparent safety, or B) resist the bait and love unconditionally, you’re still trusting in something. The first is trusting in your ability to conceal; while the other is trusting that love’s actions will ultimately be more beneficial. Both are actions taken on the basis of an presumed outcome. Do you agree? Why?
- Do you agree with the statement that “Withdrawing and protecting will only highlight our vulnerability, isolating us further?” Why or why not?
- As an example of love, I mentioned the actions of Lt. Michael Murphy. Can you think of some other examples that you’ve seen or heard? How about examples that you’ve experienced directly?
- When you think of the above examples, do you see the presence of fear of vulnerability? Explain.
- What do you think about the statement that love is (in part) an act of faith?
- How does the essence of your belief in God affect your ability to love?
Coming next: the third great fear: the Fear of Submission.
