Fear of Vulnerability
(and Sex)
One very “real world” arena that is particularly affected by our fear of vulnerability is sex.
Men and Women are (Duh!) Different
No other act in the human experience is more transparent than sexual intercourse. Sex is designed by God to be the ultimate in relational intimacy. It is a physical act in which we voluntarily, totally reveal ourselves — emotionally as well as physically.
The main point is this: Women and men experience different kinds of vulnerabilities in the act of sex. On the surface, these differences are often a point of frustration, and appear to make intercourse much more difficult.
But without these very different vulnerabilities, sex would never bring about fulfillment and satisfaction. In fact, every aspect of sexual intercourse is designed to highlight these differences — emotionally, psychologically and physiologically. These vulnerabilities are designed to compliment one another, and they allow for an intense relational connectedness.
How Different?
To be specific, the man is perfectly designed (physically and emotionally) to meet his partner at her most vulnerable place, and to encourage her through her fear. Men should realize that sex is the ultimate act of accessibility for a woman. A woman cannot freely give herself to a man unless she feels emotionally safe. Women intuitively look for security and care, to be the object of the man’s devotion — not just his passion. That’s her turn-on; only then will she be sexually fulfilled. So, men: If she’s not fulfilled, rest assured that you won’t be either, not in the long run.
Likewise, the man is perfectly designed (physically and emotionally) to meet her partner at his most vulnerable place, and to encourage him through his fear. Women should understand that sex is the ultimate act of strength and vitality for a man. A man’s identity (in part) is related to accomplishment and achievement in life — generally more so than for women. The man’s ability to “perform” the act of sexual intercourse embodies this identity in a very personal way.
The woman’s encouragement, enticement and respect help to bring about the man’s sexual fulfillment. So, women: If a man doesn’t feel respected at the most intimate levels, he won’t be motivated to pursue and care for his you — which is what you need most.
Is sex possible without pursuing this mutuality of care and concern? Yes, it is — in the short run. Both partners can participate physically, and even have some degree of pleasure. But before long, sex becomes routine, mechanical and frustrating. And if the practice persists, the resulting wounds and dysfunction can have deep, long-lasting effects.
Sex is designed by God to be a place of mutual safety, where both partners find their greatest fulfillment in giving themselves away to their lover. In giving ourselves away, we encourage our partner to move away from their fear of vulnerability. This requires some discipline, and some creativity. But it allows sex to be one of the most powerful experiences of our lives.
But (like most spiritual things) there is a competing, cheapened message about sex that we must avoid.
The Lie
We are bombarded with a twisted, self-centered view of sexuality in our culture. Think, for a moment, about how you see sex and sexuality expressed in the arts and media. Almost universally, sexuality is portrayed as a personal appetite that demands satisfaction. Like a hunger pang that wants to be fed, we are encouraged to explore any opportunity that presents itself and seems to “taste good.” Sex quickly becomes all about our individual satisfaction, where its highest purpose is to bring about our personal pleasure.
This is a lie, fresh off of Wormtongue’s lips. It degrades sexuality to a mere animalistic appetite. A very powerful, appealing appetite, but an appetite nonetheless.
Quite frankly, that’s why sex sells. Its appeal is so powerful that it can be effectively attached to everything from cars to buffalo wings. Does a thinly dressed, highly cleavaged, knockout blonde really make the food taste better? Does putting bikini-clad girls on a calendar really make for a superior power tool?
Sexuality has a holy quality of enticement about it. It’s supposed to lure us, to seduce us. But the lure is toward a greater focus on our lover, on their needs and their interests; not our own. This holy lure is easily cheapened into a one-dimensional, self-centered event that focuses only on fulfilling our own individual lusts, at our partner’s expense.
Lust. An appetite that is out of control. Lust is coveting, a driving desire for more; greed. But lust is far more than just the appeal for pleasure or satisfaction.
Lust/Greed has, at its core, a seed of fear. This fear whispers in our ear, “I don’t have enough. I need more. I’m missing something.” It is sourced in a lie that we are somehow lacking, and because we are lacking, we are vulnerable. And the way to get un-vulnerable is to acquire, more; to satisfy self’s appetite.
But Lust/Greed will never be satisfied, because the fear will never go away on its own. Lust/Greed is merely the symptom; fear is the disease.
The Higher Purpose
Sex, and our sexuality, has such a higher, loftier role to play. Sex is about restoring and rejuvenating your partner to their intended likeness of God. Sex — for both partners — is the ultimate act of surrender and service. Sex involves arguably the greatest possible demonstration of interdependency and sharing of intimacy. Sex is the ultimate in relational connectedness, where the physical reality embodies the spiritual and relational reality: “…and they will become one flesh” (Genesis 2.24).
To say it differently, good sex is all about transparency. That’s because sex is not about what I can get, it’s about what I can give. And what more complete gift can we give than our very selves, in complete transparency? Only when both partners can lay their inner selves bare will they mutually experience the ultimate in sexual pleasure.
questions.4.conversation
Before we get to the questions, a comment: Though sex is a subject that our culture brazenly purports to be common and broadly practiced, it’s clear that there is widespread frustration, dysfunction and abuse when it comes to our sexuality. If sex is so commonplace and normal, you’d think we’d be doing a better job at it — and you’d think we’d be more satisfied.
Because of that, I must admit to some apprehension in developing questions for this posting. I recognize that this can be a touchy, personal subject. Talking about it in a blog like this can come across as trite, superficial and grossly inadequate. I assure you that this is not my intention.
By the same token, I believe that a key to life is keeping things simple. While our sexuality is a highly complex aspect of our humanity, it’s all based on a few basic, fundamental principles; one of which is mutual, maturing, unconditional, servant-oriented love. If we can get this right, many other things will begin to fall into place.
If you’d like further discussion on this topic, please leave a comment; or feel free to email me about your thoughts and concerns.
dg
- As a whole, the Bible portrays sex as most appropriately shared between a man and a woman in the context of a marriage relationship. To your thinking, how does this relate to “sex’s higher purpose” of relational connectedness and mutual transparency?
- Comment on the idea that sexuality’s “holy lure is easily cheapened into a one-dimensional, self-centered event that focuses only on fulfilling our own individual lusts, at our partner’s expense.”
- I’ve intentionally used the term “partner” throughout this post, because fulfilling sex is the product of a partnership. Knowing that a healthy sexual relationship mirrors a healthy overall relationship, what can you do to instill a sense of partnering in your overall relationship?
- Many people have come to realize that their fantasies about sex often do not come to fruition. Does that say anything about the nature of our fantasies? Does that say anything about the nature of our relationships?
- How would your sexual relationship be affected if, for the next calendar year, both of you made this your highest sexual priority: to encourage your lover/partner through his/her fear of sexual vulnerability?
- What would/could you do in your life to make that priority a reality?
- What does this discussion of mutuality and relational connectedness say about the kind of relationships you are pursuing? What are you looking for in a relationship?
Coming next: The conclusion of vulnerabillity.
