All Things Nu

Fear of Vulnerability (cont’d again)

How do we deal with vulnerability in the real world? Here are a few things to try to help you become more transparent … no, strike that: to help you love others more completely. Check these out…

Own It

It’s easy for me to see vulnerability as an external issue, someone else’s problem (that unfortunately affects me). But I’ll never deal accurately with vulnerability until I understand that it is primarily an internal issue. While it’s unfortunately true that there are forces and people who can cause me harm, they are not the primary issue. I am the primary issue, and I must own it.

To say it differently, reducing our fear of vulnerability doesn’t come through eliminating external threats; it comes through strengthening internal weaknesses. The character quality of transparency is sourced in wholeness and strength. The healthier we are, the more transparent we will become, and the better equipped we will be (hear “wisdom”) to deal with threatening situations.

Check Motives and Intentions

When revealing inner information or seeking information from others, we should always run it through the filter of our conscience. “Am I trying to manipulate this person through what I’m sharing?” Or perhaps, “What do I hope to gain from learning this knowledge about them?”

This requires, of course, that we have a conscience that’s sensitive and developed enough to filter out our bad motives and ill intentions. That’s not an insult, it’s merely a recognition of how our conscience functions: We must ask those kinds of questions honestly, objectively. And we must listen for what God has to say about it. If we never honestly ask ourselves the question, we never have to worry about the answers, right?

Have a Right View of Transparency

We often think about transparency in terms of “how much do I reveal?” In reality, this is not the case. Transparency is measured not so much in terms of amount of information shared, but rather in the accessibility of that information — at a level that’s appropriate to a given relationship.

Do people see you, the real you? When someone inquires of you, do they get your best answer, or do they get your best spin? Are you intent on giving them a genuine response, or rather is it a contrived, controlled reply?

Also, don’t assume that being talkative translates to transparency. Sometimes being the predominant talker is a way to control a conversation. Likewise, being quiet doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re not being transparent.

Some people are simply chattier than others, and you have to sift through their words to find out what they’re really saying. Others are more reflective, and you often have to hear what they’re not saying, or pause to realize that their words often have a more profound, double-layered nature about them.

Consider Appropriateness

This is a tricky one, because relationships are fluid and constantly evolving. It takes some attention (again, hear “wisdom”) to know exactly where you stand in a given relationship before you share details of your inner self.

You want the level of transparency to match the depth of relationship. Don’t force intimacy in a relationship that has not (like a good wine) cured over time.

Improve Communication

It’s difficult to reveal what’s behind our veil if we can’t communicate it effectively. Here are some things to think about RE: communication:

Thoughts. If we can keep our thoughts ordered, then it’s more likely that our communication will also be ordered. If we haven’t ordered our thoughts, we end up blurting out whatever happens to be in the thought hopper at the moment, which may or (more likely) may not reflect who we really are and what’s really going on behind the veil. Just remember: It can be dangerous to speak about personal issues on a whim. Once our words get out, it’s really hard to get them back.

Word choice. Am I being overly harsh, judgmental or critical? Am I overstating, embellishing or inventing things to make my point?

Am I being too universal (e.g. “…you always…,” “…he never…”)? First, universal statements are generalizations that are rarely “always” true. Second, they usually have a polarizing and divisive effect; they don’t establish any common ground.

Truth. Does what I’m saying reflect what’s real and genuine? Is this really me? Does it accurately reflect my situation?

Objectivity. Everyone sees life from their own unique perspective, what Richard Carlson has called “the principle of separate realities.” We usually tolerate these separate realities — up to a point. When my perspective comes off too one-sided or self-centered, my hearers stop embracing what I have to say. They disconnect from me, which leaves me feeling more vulnerable.

Our emotions are often the biggest culprit in skewing our objectivity. Getting control of our emotions will go a long way to giving us a reality check. If you’re having trouble controlling your emotions, try going back to your thoughts: What do you find yourself thinking about? What subsequent emotion did this thought trigger?

If emotions are the biggest culprit, then truth is usually the biggest resource for maintaining objectivity. That’s why, personally, the bible plays such a big role in my life. It has a centering, grounding quality that cuts through the emotions and noise in my life, and gives me a compass to navigate by. It “judges the thoughts and attitudes” of my heart (Hebrews 4.12).

Mutuality. Is the transparency mutual? Or are my conversations all about me? There are some exceptions, but in general healthy transparency is usually a two-way process.

You might try this simple exercise: SPEAK LESS, LISTEN MORE!!!!

It’s such an old and well-worn cliché, you’ve probably already thought it to yourself: People don’t care about how much you know until they know how much you care. By listening, you communicate empathy, concern and interest. These qualities build trust, which is absolutely necessary to overcome our fear of vulnerability. You may be surprised to find that the more you seek to make others feel safe, the safer you’ll feel around other people.

Balance. In addition to being two-way, a relationship should (over time) have a balanced level of transparency. Ask yourself if the other person is being as transparent as you are. If not, then there’s probably a reason why. You should pause to explore why before increasing the transparency further.

The Love Factor

There are a few more practical areas of life I want to talk about, but let me stop here for a moment to emphasize the role of love in transparency.

Love is, among other things, a concern for others similar to the concern we have for ourselves — “love your neighbor as yourself,” as Jesus says (Matthew 22.39). It is difficult, to say the least, to A) own it, B) check our motives and intentions, C) consider appropriateness, or D) improve our communication, without also being as concerned for others as we are for ourselves. Why would we be motivated to do such things if we have no concern for others?

There’s more coming in future posts on why this is so vital. But I encourage you to begin considering it. The love factor may be the key to unlocking the stalemate you are experiencing with your fear of vulnerability.

questions.4.conversation

• Comment on the statement, “Reducing our fear of vulnerability doesn’t come through eliminating external threats; it comes through strengthening internal weaknesses.”
  
• Does “strengthening internal weaknesses” equate to you to “building up my defenses” (i.e. getting a thicker veil)? If so, then how do you reconcile building up defenses with reducing the fear of vulnerability?
  
• How would you go about renewing or developing your conscience in order to better check your motives and intentions?
  
• Would you consider yourself an accessible person? How do you measure your accessibility?
  
• Which of the areas of communication (thoughts, word choice, truth, objectivity, mutuality or balance) do you sense are your greatest strength? Which area(s) do you feel you need to develop? What steps can you take to develop them?

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Coming next: Vulnerability and sex